I Took A Huge Step Forward Yesterday

So, I have applied for some jobs.

Being on disability is hard. For me, it’s a miracle, but then it is also a curse. It helps with financial difficulties, no doubt. As well as, getting the medical care I need for my mental health, and being able to afford my medication.

But then, it is like I curse. I sit at home all day, alone, doing random things. I don’t get proper exercise, I haven’t made friends in years, etc, stuff that having a job would provide. So I definitely needed that change in my life. For about 6 years I’ve been going to a county clinic that aided by providing group support, as well as, therapy, and psychiatric help.

I need a change, and I hope this job can provide, as I also cannot afford the monthly income I receive with disability.

Let’s hope for the best!

I Find I Have More Anxiety On My Way To Recovery

I had a panic attack attempting to delete a few people from my Facebook. Some of them family. It’s never easy deleting family from facebook. It’s never easy deleting anyone from Facebook. I never thought I would have such a hard time. So much so, that I would have a panic attack over it. Well, I covered all my bases, you know, should I give them a “head’s up”, or should I just not give them any notice.

I won’t go into detail what happened, but social media is so anxiety inducing, because there’s no face-to-face interaction with the person. In my mind, I feel like the face-to-face interaction is easier to deal with because you see the emotions of the person, you hear their voice, and then afterwards you can deal with their real-time emotions of the aftermath of the situation. Keyword is real-time. With texting, Facebook, instagram, twitter, etc, and the like, you’re dealing with the delay of the person’s emotions. They may have calmed down in the aftermath of a situation if something has gone wrong, or they may have gotten angrier and things have boiled in their head. OR you could be that person texting angrily and that other person could be busy and have no clue as to what’s going on and didn’t even get your text/message.

This could all be the same for something positive that has happened. I was personally speaking from my situation as if something has gone horribly wrong.

My anxiety and panic attacks get pretty bad. I admit I usually run to my medicine. I’m trying to find other ways to calm myself. I can find peace of mind through music and distraction. Not so much reading, as my mind races when I am anxious and panicky. Dancing helps. Distraction is a big helper. Distraction through television, music, and sitting outside. Which is about all I can think about right now. I am finding more as I go on to recovery.

I am finding that I am becoming more anxious as I recover. I did not expect that. That blindsided me.

The Fact Of The Matter Is…

within every person with schizophrenia is a different person. we are all different.

also i dont buy into the fact the people with schizophrenia arent depressed. maybe not clinical and so bad to needing ECT. but this is such a lonely disorder. i refuse to say disease. i need hours upon hours of alone time. but to be alone for so many years is a different thing. i actually handled it well minus the psychosis for 4 years. idk whats differnt abut this year. maybe that my neighbor died. and it has me questioning life and the purpose of it. but this and last year have been the worst years of my life.

2008 was bad. but its like 2008 when i was almost homeless is like hitting me now i think because i didnt realize the impact money has until i got on disability last year. and now im on food stamps. who knows how long ill have all that too. i fear ill lose any at any review time.

i may not be a leper in my eyes but im another poverty statistic. another mentally ill poverty statistic. the kinda person sociologists report on in the news and articles online and how we need to help these people. but help never comes around. its all talk. and we are all stuck in the same place with money woes and mentally ill minds and loneliness and other health issues and other issues. well yea who wouldnt be depressed.

in 2007 when i was 16 i was for sure id be a film student at a top texas university mingling with very few people but at the near top envied with my creative visions. never a nobody on disability and food stamps. not a single soul known in my mind. my dad taking care of me. and a racked up number of police records and hospital stays. #1 member at club meds. in the top 5 at a least. everything turned to hell in prodromal symptoms in 2008 and a full blown psychotic episode that same year when i was borderline homeless. and every year of my life since then too. and it only gets worse. the symptoms. my life situation. the environment. etc.

dont tell me to not give up. ive given up already. dont give me that bullsh_t about trying harder or giving it time or how the meds will work it evenly out. now all i can think about is how to live minute by minute on these meds with still symptoms vying for my attention. talking to my voices alone and in public. and fearing what i know is real. dont tell me its not. because it is.

im alone in this and always will be. question is how can i NOT kill myself over that fact.