Something Cathartic Happened Today

I am home today with nothing to do. I couldn’t snag any hours today with Instacart, my other jobs haven’t come through yet, and I have nowhere to go. I’ve cleaned the house already, yesterday, like a maniac.

So i’ve been in bed all day, thinking.

And that’s where things get bad.

I had a panic attack.

I shouldn’t be doing that. Every. Single. Time, i’m idle like that I start thinking about my past and how I used to be. Except this time, I started to realize something. I’ve changed.

When I was teen, and younger, I was very shy and quiet. I liked artsy things, I was gothic, and then punk and emo. I played music, etc. Then when I got sick around my early twenties, I was so deathly afraid of people. I barely left my house, barely showered, stopped my meds cold turkey and almost become catatonic, I was so sick. I started reading more about philosophy, religion, and got into government conspiracies. You get the picture.

Now, within the past few years, as I have recovered from Mental Illness, I have become quite a social butterfly. Not a lot, but enough to have a good amount of friends and keep them. Instacart, back then (or anything like it), would’ve been a pipe dream. Or maybe a nightmare for me.

And it was then, I felt confused for the first time.

Here I am, having gone through so much and changed so much, and STILL changing. It’s as if I’ve lost myself or maybe part of myself along the way.

Like I don’t even know who I am anymore. And I need help. I need grounding. I need guidance. Or something like it.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

I Find I Have More Anxiety On My Way To Recovery

I had a panic attack attempting to delete a few people from my Facebook. Some of them family. It’s never easy deleting family from facebook. It’s never easy deleting anyone from Facebook. I never thought I would have such a hard time. So much so, that I would have a panic attack over it. Well, I covered all my bases, you know, should I give them a “head’s up”, or should I just not give them any notice.

I won’t go into detail what happened, but social media is so anxiety inducing, because there’s no face-to-face interaction with the person. In my mind, I feel like the face-to-face interaction is easier to deal with because you see the emotions of the person, you hear their voice, and then afterwards you can deal with their real-time emotions of the aftermath of the situation. Keyword is real-time. With texting, Facebook, instagram, twitter, etc, and the like, you’re dealing with the delay of the person’s emotions. They may have calmed down in the aftermath of a situation if something has gone wrong, or they may have gotten angrier and things have boiled in their head. OR you could be that person texting angrily and that other person could be busy and have no clue as to what’s going on and didn’t even get your text/message.

This could all be the same for something positive that has happened. I was personally speaking from my situation as if something has gone horribly wrong.

My anxiety and panic attacks get pretty bad. I admit I usually run to my medicine. I’m trying to find other ways to calm myself. I can find peace of mind through music and distraction. Not so much reading, as my mind races when I am anxious and panicky. Dancing helps. Distraction is a big helper. Distraction through television, music, and sitting outside. Which is about all I can think about right now. I am finding more as I go on to recovery.

I am finding that I am becoming more anxious as I recover. I did not expect that. That blindsided me.

Panic Attacks & My Clinic + Updates

Ok first I’ll be honest I cant guarantee that i will always be writing here. Im on forums a lot and other forms of social media. I also write in a pen & paper journal.

Though, I’ve decided to update this page a little bit.

I’ve added:

My twitter account (Which I use pretty frequently)

My Youtube page/V-log/Video Blog

Other random widgets to make my page look nice.

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My psychiatrist recommended me more therapy, but my therapist is hesitant to give me more therapy. They work at the same clinic, in the same building and down the hall from each other. Yet they both aren’t aware of each others treatments on me. Makes no sense. Ever since my old therapist there resigned, this new therapist has been treating me like i’m just another dollar to her. Which I probably am.

I only get therapy 30 minutes, once a month.

Re-read that. It’s true.

I can’t afford more right now or for awhile and I can’t afford to quit therapy.

I feel entirely on my own. Im trying to go back to school. A job is out of the question. Sometimes I dont see the point. Right now I have a little more optimism in life than usual. Thats only because going back to school is giving me something to live for. Although I dont always want to do it. I dont go face to face. I go online.

My panic attacks since the past two months have been so severe. I curl up into a ball sometimes. I vomit. I tremble and shake. I’m physically bent over in mental pain. I sweat. My field of vision narrows. I feel like I’m going to black out. Sometimes I wake up with anxiety. Every night I goto bed with anxiety.

I have called my therapist about it. She has never returned my call…

The Reality of Reality

reading through things and serching for help in my area to understand medicare……….im just about to break into crying……the sadness……and upset….and embarassment…..at my income ……and mental health…..and all this stuff in my life…….this is one of those moments that……you realize how broken you actually are both inside and out………..  😥  …………like heres reality……….im sitting in it………………..in THIS reality……..broken both inside and out……………a lot of people dont realize how lucky they are……seriously……….i never ever ever saw living even contently as lucky………but its almost pure luck in this day and age………..my dad lost his jobs one day and everything crumbled…….we went from upper middle class to my parents spit divorce and then few years later to only thing seperating us between being ok and physically on the streets were some walls. measly walls. we had no furniture in the house. no running water. no electricity. no air for too long…….and my mental illness worsened and worsened and worsened these past 3-5 years……..my college career broke and over……..going on and off insurance cuz no money………and so on……

……..everything iin my life is just gone gone gone.
one thing…*POOF* gone!
something else *POOF* gone!
another thing *POOF* gone!
and so on and so on and so on.
2 years after my lose his job i ALMOST LOSE HIM. AND THEN AGAIN 1 YEAR LATER.
it doesnt even stop.
and people wonder why i keep having psychotic breaks.

you FUCKING tell me.