I Took A Huge Step Forward Yesterday

So, I have applied for some jobs.

Being on disability is hard. For me, it’s a miracle, but then it is also a curse. It helps with financial difficulties, no doubt. As well as, getting the medical care I need for my mental health, and being able to afford my medication.

But then, it is like I curse. I sit at home all day, alone, doing random things. I don’t get proper exercise, I haven’t made friends in years, etc, stuff that having a job would provide. So I definitely needed that change in my life. For about 6 years I’ve been going to a county clinic that aided by providing group support, as well as, therapy, and psychiatric help.

I need a change, and I hope this job can provide, as I also cannot afford the monthly income I receive with disability.

Let’s hope for the best!

Cognitive Dysfuction in Mental Illness

My medications have been taking a toll on my brain or my mind.

The Haldol has been causing cognitive dysfunction within my brain. I can’t think straight, I can’t comprehend what to other people are saying, I can’t understand some of the most simple of things. All because of the Haldol. Antipsychotics are a hell of a drug. They are a hell of a class of drugs meant to rule your mind.

Lately, I haven’t been able to keep up with small tasks like taking care of my animals/pets. Taking them out? I

forget. Feeding them? I forget. It seems almost scatter-brained. That’s the best word I could come up with.

Scatter-brained:

scatĀ·terĀ·brained
adjective
adjective: scatterbrained; adjective: scatter-brained
  1. (of a person) disorganized and lacking in concentration.

I am scatterbrained for the time being. Under the control of so many medications, I dont know where my mind is going to, or where it’s headed. I need a 5 year long term plan.

Sleep and Relaxation

I’ve been pushing myself to get out and do more things and push away my feelings. It’s really broken me down. I’ve not just had more episodes, but probably more episodes because of this, because of pushing myself to my limits. Past my limits. I’ve been pushing myself to go to college, socialize, take criticism when I can’t (from family/friends, and take demands), etc. It’s really starting to wear on me. It’s making me more emotional and breaking me down.

My clinic, my nurse practitioner lowered the dosage of my sleeping medication and I haven’t been sleeping. I need that sleep. Every hour I can get, I need it. For my mental health. I really do. It’s so incredibly vital to me. So much so. I used to shun sleep. I thought it was for the weak. I was becoming psychotic without it. Even without just a normal amount. I naturally can’t sleep. So I grew to think that people that did sleep were naturally, just, weak.

I’m not sure if having a full schedule is good for me. I really need downtime. I need that 2-3 hours where I have nothing to do to regain my sanity. To relax. To think. I like being busy. Just not sure that is the life for me where I have something to do every second of the day. It’s just not something that I think is good for my health, because it’s very stressful, and I can only imagine what it’s like for someone else with schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder, or another severe mental health issue.

TwentySomethings Existential Crisis With Mental Illness

This issue hasn’t exactly got me tossing and turning yet, but I’m almost there. It could be called something of a “Quarter-Life Crisis”. Not sure if it applies to me. I am though going through some sort of existential crisis.

I am 24 years old. I will be 25 in some number of months (not too long from now) and I realize that, yes, I am getting older. I’m getting further and further away from my high school years. I graduated high school at 17. I went to college that same summer, of that same year, because my parents thought it was a smart idea. That’s a whole other story.

Well, at 24, I’m still in college. That’s not a bad thing, and it’s not a good thing. It’s not a good thing by society’s standards, but because of my mental health and many hospitalizations I went through, and the down times I had, It’s not a bad thing. It shows my resilience, my willingness to succeed and keep going, and persistence.

I’m studying philosophy right now. I love it! I especially love existentialism. Philosophy drew itself to me while going through the tough periods with Schizoaffective disorder and growing older, and thinking upon suicide, and “Where am I going in life?”. I’m still new to it, I’ll admit. Everyone starts somewhere in Philosophy, I was told.

So, where am I going in life at 24 going on 25, 26, 27, 28, 29…etc? I just see time ticking away away, whereas I just saw time sitting still when I was younger. I’ll still give the fact that sometimes I still do see time stand still, but then I look away and look back and it has passed. So there’s a whole new realization. I feel as if I’ve wasted so much of my time being hospitalized. I know I couldn’t have done much to stop that, but I still can’t help but feel like it’s time wasted. Especially the down time from medication. The sleeping all the time, mostly. Sleeping up to 12-16 hours a day at one point. Even once as to sleep 24 hours straight, if my memory serves me correct. That’s another thing. My memory. Where are my memories from my early twenties? My mid-to-late teens? Nothing but withered away from medications into oblivion. I feel lucky I even took a few pictures. I take a lot of pictures nowadays. Partly because I feel like my memory will be abolished from medications, but then I want to remember even the littlest things when I get even older. With all this technology around me why not use it?

The fact that I can even see a bit of time still standing still, somewhat, I feel shows I’m still youthful. Although, I don’t want to waste this youthful time doing nothing, or what I perceive as doing nothing. I want, and need, to fill my time up with memories, events, church, educating myself, and having a lot more (healthy) fun. Just ANYTHING besides being hospitalized. Anything besides that.

This Is What Happens When I Start To Relapse (Briefly)

I was doing well for a bit, and at first didn’t have time to write here the past week because my schedule was pretty busy. My schedule is still busy, but then I started really going downhill. I started having more episodes, and they have been becoming more severe.

I’m in denial, I think, that I am in relapse because I have been doing so well for so long. These past 2 months have been relapse, and the whole time when I was having mini episodes I was thinking, “Well, what if I relapse?”. Well I already am relapsing. Sure I was having mini episodes before 2 months ago, but it was far and few in between, and they didn’t get severe. Now the episodes are becoming more, and becoming severe. My paranoia is ramping up, my anxiety/panic attacks are very severe, my hallucinations are becoming more and more (which I don’t always have), and I become confused a lot more. My paranoia is something that I have a huge problem with as far as positive symptoms.

One example, I remember sitting on the couch watching the news yesterday and every person’s face and name that passed across the screen, I had sworn I knew them in real life, like outside of the news. I sworn I knew them and they have tried to kill me before in the past. I had vivid memories of them trying to kill me. Then a few minutes later I had no idea what I was watching. I didn’t know what the program was, even though it was still the news. My confusion just kicked in liked that; I became very confused. It wasn’t a memory issue. It became a confusion thing. I can say all that now, but I couldn’t then.

My psychiatrist quit and I am dealing with a new provider. Which has taken me off my anti-depressant. I was really upset. I’ve been on one my whole life until I got to this community clinic. Then I asked a year ago for one because I believed I needed one. Then this new provider took me off because she saw I was only on it for a year. I stopped taking it for a week because of side effects and I went in thinking I was going to be able to change it to something else (because of the side effects). I was just taken off.

I try to write when I have some clarity. I’ve been putting off updating the past three days so I can write with clarity.

I’m really nervous I will fail my courses in college because I am only halfway through. I just started back going to college, so this is not a good thing that is happening.

I’m really not sure how I will get through this.

Voices In the Dark

I am reluctant towards medicine. Even though I can get relief from some of them. I don’t want to be held down by side effects.

I don’t know if I can keep going like I am. I’ve been off Antipsychotics for a year, given that ive taken my Haldol a few times in between. I don’t think I have the strength to hold myself up through not taking them. Things go well off them for awhile, and after about a month or two things start to unravel a tiny bit here and there.

I’m actually confused. It’s night here.
Sitting here and hearing bits of sound outside my window and muffled voices from my walls, A/C unit, and thin air…I still am confused as to how sick I might be right now. I’m used to some of these sounds and voices, yet they still give me anxiety and instill fear.

I feel watched. Paranoid.
I feel like I’m on a mission.

Eating Disorders And Schizophrenia

I’m not sure how I feel about this, but I’ve somehow dug myself into a really deep hole.

Through gaining weight on medications, I’ve become really resistant to food. I want to lose weight so badly. It’s bad enough, the side effects of all these meds like Haldol and Seroquel, and mostly all of them. Now i’ll just do anything to lose weight…

I just finished a bowl of spaghetti from a restaurant. It took me 3 days to eat it. I would take 4-5 bites and I would be full. I can’t eat much because I’ve come to starve myself so much in the past few months to lose weight. Some days I didnt eat at all. This could possibly turn into some sort of new diagnosis for me, in regards to disordered eating…but I don’t want this to come to light. Although, if I become thin enough, it will. I’ve already had people badmouthing me and telling me that I am too getting too skinny. Which I know for a fact isn’t true. I started losing weight when I was in the 150’s this year. Which actually made me overweight – borderline obese. I gained weight in the past, going up to 180, but I lost it in healthy ways. I actually dont know how I did it.

Well, I know how I am losing it now.

Honestly I see all of this as a result of what the Antipsychotics put me through. Gaining weight on them is just one side effect but for most people taking them, it’s major, and personally it lowered my self esteem so much. I couldn’t walk much without getting tired. My joints were hurting all the time and I had back and knee pain from being overweight. I also was pre-Diabetic. And of course, I didnt look good.