I Took A Huge Step Forward Yesterday

So, I have applied for some jobs.

Being on disability is hard. For me, it’s a miracle, but then it is also a curse. It helps with financial difficulties, no doubt. As well as, getting the medical care I need for my mental health, and being able to afford my medication.

But then, it is like I curse. I sit at home all day, alone, doing random things. I don’t get proper exercise, I haven’t made friends in years, etc, stuff that having a job would provide. So I definitely needed that change in my life. For about 6 years I’ve been going to a county clinic that aided by providing group support, as well as, therapy, and psychiatric help.

I need a change, and I hope this job can provide, as I also cannot afford the monthly income I receive with disability.

Let’s hope for the best!

Trapped

on the outside i appear to be better. but the wheels of misfortune are still turning in my head. psychosis.

…i dont know why that sounded better in my head.

my body feels like it just ran a marathon on these injections. tired and unsustainable. nothing is attainable. everything a pain. but my mind is still going. im still hearing voices. still paranoid. im like trapped in this tired body. my minds not racing. its just still troubled with psychosis and fear. and ive got more stressful things. or at least it just doesnt let up with the medicare and ssa.

ive lost motivation to even update my blog. but ill try.

The Reality of Reality

reading through things and serching for help in my area to understand medicare……….im just about to break into crying……the sadness……and upset….and embarassment…..at my income ……and mental health…..and all this stuff in my life…….this is one of those moments that……you realize how broken you actually are both inside and out………..  😥  …………like heres reality……….im sitting in it………………..in THIS reality……..broken both inside and out……………a lot of people dont realize how lucky they are……seriously……….i never ever ever saw living even contently as lucky………but its almost pure luck in this day and age………..my dad lost his jobs one day and everything crumbled…….we went from upper middle class to my parents spit divorce and then few years later to only thing seperating us between being ok and physically on the streets were some walls. measly walls. we had no furniture in the house. no running water. no electricity. no air for too long…….and my mental illness worsened and worsened and worsened these past 3-5 years……..my college career broke and over……..going on and off insurance cuz no money………and so on……

……..everything iin my life is just gone gone gone.
one thing…*POOF* gone!
something else *POOF* gone!
another thing *POOF* gone!
and so on and so on and so on.
2 years after my lose his job i ALMOST LOSE HIM. AND THEN AGAIN 1 YEAR LATER.
it doesnt even stop.
and people wonder why i keep having psychotic breaks.

you FUCKING tell me.

My Slight Increase In Stressors Would Be A Major Life Change For You

Not happy about the county mental health clinic changing my psychiatrist up on me. RIGHT before I leave out the door when I am making my appointment. It upset me so much that I felt the need to runaway for about a week or so.

im currently trying to make plans to take off somewhere in the united states, OTHER than this state. anywhere but here.

For a bit I thought I thought I was doing well with no voices for about a week or two. I just realized an hour ago I have been hearing them even more. I sort of know why. I think the slight increase in stress with getting my insurance cut off, even though I know medicare will replace it. Also definitely the change in my psychiatrists put on me out of the blue (EXTREMELY angry about that). And other stuff. I just didnt notice because ive been paying less attention to if i am hearing voices and just interacted with them more I guess. Which is probably why Ive felt less bored. Just to be honest.

I want to get away from most of this mental health stuff someday. Instead of engaging in analyzing stuff like “am I hearing voices more” or something of that nature. I have been doing well to get away from it the past few months. But more I get away from it though the more it comes towards me in some way.