Another Day, Another Dollar, More Independence!

So I started a new job in my area. Yes, pretty much a third or fourth job. Something akin to Instacart and UberEats. I’m still working my own schedule, and making money on my own time.

I’m really enjoying this independence thing! My own apartment, my own job, my own money, and living with My Love. It’s wonderful. It’s a wonderful feeling to be able to say, “Hey, I’m dealing with a disability, but i’ve got a hold on it. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll never let it have power over me!”. It’s beautiful, it really is.

Glad to have a routine, too. Something I outlined in my book. Check it out sometime!

I’m thinking, maybe, a volume 2? Or a second edition? We will see.

Stay tuned to all the great things happening! Sometimes there is sadness, though, yes it happens! Enjoy the picture of me and My Love for now!

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Something Cathartic Happened Today

I am home today with nothing to do. I couldn’t snag any hours today with Instacart, my other jobs haven’t come through yet, and I have nowhere to go. I’ve cleaned the house already, yesterday, like a maniac.

So i’ve been in bed all day, thinking.

And that’s where things get bad.

I had a panic attack.

I shouldn’t be doing that. Every. Single. Time, i’m idle like that I start thinking about my past and how I used to be. Except this time, I started to realize something. I’ve changed.

When I was teen, and younger, I was very shy and quiet. I liked artsy things, I was gothic, and then punk and emo. I played music, etc. Then when I got sick around my early twenties, I was so deathly afraid of people. I barely left my house, barely showered, stopped my meds cold turkey and almost become catatonic, I was so sick. I started reading more about philosophy, religion, and got into government conspiracies. You get the picture.

Now, within the past few years, as I have recovered from Mental Illness, I have become quite a social butterfly. Not a lot, but enough to have a good amount of friends and keep them. Instacart, back then (or anything like it), would’ve been a pipe dream. Or maybe a nightmare for me.

And it was then, I felt confused for the first time.

Here I am, having gone through so much and changed so much, and STILL changing. It’s as if I’ve lost myself or maybe part of myself along the way.

Like I don’t even know who I am anymore. And I need help. I need grounding. I need guidance. Or something like it.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Stress & Sickness

I’ve been here at this new apartment for a little over a month now. I’ve also been sick since we moved here. I’ve had migraines, runny noses, dry coughs, vomiting, etc. I wondered for a second about black mold, but I couldnt find any anywhere in this tiny place.

I think a lot of this sickness has to do with stress. My friend reminded me that stress CAN lower your immunity to sicknesses. One ends for me, and something else starts.

I’ve conquered moving. Yay, right? Yes, but I am also in the process of starting a new job, trying to get more fit, and eat better. Amongst other smaller feats i’m trying to handle.

Long story short, I need to work on my coping mechanisms/skills. I need a hobby, or something to make and sell, or something. Anything to get out of this dreaded mind of mine.

Any suggestions for new hobbies?

Thank you for reading! And until next time!

Sometimes People Just Have Nothing To Say To You

The thing about loneliness is…

…when you dont have the friends and things to do keep you busy…

…the little things don’t mean much.

I have opened up about how lonely I am. I only have my parents to open up to and then I had opened up (i feel too much) online about how lonely I am. My parents have nothing to say. Literally, they said “sorry” and that was it. That killed me. Sometimes we dont want to take advice from people, but in the case of the people closest to me…they dont even have anything to say. Theres no advice. Theres a “sorry“. thats harder to hear than advice i dont want.  i say im bored a lot in life. im not particularly bored im just not motivated. i have so much i can do and think up to do. its the same old stuff. thats ok. im just not motivated. but then again i dont have what i call “immediate” things to do. i say “immediate” because im referring to the lack of things to do my geographic area. my living in the rural cuts off things to do that are closer to home. also resources.

sometimes i question if many of my organs still exist or if they have just evaporated or melted and have been digested and excreted from my body.