This Is Unlike Me

It’s very unlikely, and unlike me to write in my blog so much. Considering it has 50-something posts for the past 5 years (total).

Something happened between me and my love tonight. We went back and forth for a minute about spending time together. I cried my eyes out the other night, because he is so into his video games, and not into spending time with me when he gets off work. So today, he wanted to spend time with me, but I was too tired.

Truth is, i’m always tired, lethargic, and sometimes cranky. I’ve been sleeping from 10 or 11PM to about 11AM or later. That’s just been the past week or two, but that isn’t uncommon for me. It’s happened before.

I talked to my friends, and told them the situation. They considered if I might be depressed. I told them I am losing my hair, as well. Well, I recently got tested for thyroid problems, and the reports came back negative. Nothing. Tested for diabetes. Negative, too.

I wish I had an answer, as my goto answer is always “my meds make me tired”. Well they did for many years. Now? I’m not so sure anymore, but something is wrong. Whether i’m depressed, sick (physically), whether it’s the medication, or something entirely different.  

Either way, my current regimen for this is Vitamin D, as per my D.O. 

I am depressed to an extent. Maybe I don’t know how much. I do know that I need some new hobbies, new friends…something like that, to keep me busy. All this idle time at this new place, it’s just deadly, I feel like.

Thank you for reading, and until next time!

(And if anyone reading has suggestions, or can relate, please comment. I will reply!)

All My Life I Had To Fight

I really hope this title isn’t misleading. On God, I had to fight.

I had to deal with my mental illness overcoming me, and people belittling me because I wasn’t “all there”. To them, I was just nothing. Or at least I’d never amount to anything. To them, I was just going to be on disability for the rest of my life. Never work. Never succeed in college. Never do much of anything, if I did ANYTHING at all.

I’m here to say that, that is over with. I got a nice, decent place with my love, i’m trying to goto work (pretty much already have a job), i’m becoming INDEPENDENT. Something people thought i’d never do.

And here I am. Folks, this is mental health recovery at it’s finest.

If you have ever doubted yourself, look at me. I went from pretty much catatonic to independent in 5 years. Quite seriously.

(Pictured: My love, his dog, my cat)

And So It Begins (An Open Commentary To Myself)

Just like I thought it would, and I was scared it would, but I ignored everything and kept my head up. Rightfully so, as I have been excited about moving, and have wanted to move for 2 years, or more.

Bills: Please stop. I’ve had enough. And it’s causing anxiety and nausea. It is making me physically sick. I’ve truly had enough. I should’ve expected this right? I mean everyone has bills. Yea, but i’m just poor as hell, and dealing with incompetent businesses to get my bills paid to.

I’m sick: A few days after I moved, I got a head cold. Two days later it’s over. Great! But now my nose has been stuffy for 3 weeks, and add nausea from time to time. My friends say I am getting used to a new environment and new microbes; throw in the weather. One person said moving causes stress, which in turn causes sickness.

Family: I miss them so dearly, and I am so afraid to be alone out here in a city I know nothing about, and living with someone I only dated a year. I called and cried to my Dad last night. He seemed like he was about to cry as I was crying. I hit an emotional hurdle, for sure. I even made sure to bring the teddy bear he gave me one Valentine’s Day. I AM a Daddy’s girl, definitely.

This open commentary to myself has never felt more cathartic.

Thank you for reading.



CBD And How It Has Helped My Mental Health

Have you heard of CBD or hemp? It’s being touted as a miracle vitamin, drug, oil, etc.

They have hemp in everything from hemp seeds and hemp clothing, to even hemp shoes and tires.

But, CBD is being used medicinally in medical marijuana, as well as from the high-CBD, low-THC hemp plant. Many companies are selling CBD oil, edibles (such as gummy bears/worms), pet treats, topicals, and even flower!

I saw CBD in my local vape shop, bought some, then did some research on it before taking it. I discovered TONS of people being helped by it for various reasons, such as back pain, all the way to anxiety.

So I decided to give it a shot. I bought from a reputable brand, and waited until my anxiety was high. I bought a vape pen and used it. I was instantly relieved in a matter of seconds. It seemed like a miracle, but I kept using it and testing it throughout the month. It always did it’s job, and with the only side effect for me being sleepiness. But that was great, because I am a lifelong insomniac, since I started puberty (many many years ago!).

It’s been maybe 6 or so months. I have joined groups, followed those on Instagram who use CBD, and have researched CBD even MORE thoroughly, as well as, the different companies and farms out there. It’s a very interesting topic to discuss, and research. People of all ages use it. It has helped with minor pains, anxiety (minor to severe), and even my depressive episodes to a large degree!

While I want to say I am NOT a doctor or medical professional, and my experiences are my own. There. But I do recommend that those who are curious to read more into it.

I Took A Huge Step Forward Yesterday

So, I have applied for some jobs.

Being on disability is hard. For me, it’s a miracle, but then it is also a curse. It helps with financial difficulties, no doubt. As well as, getting the medical care I need for my mental health, and being able to afford my medication.

But then, it is like I curse. I sit at home all day, alone, doing random things. I don’t get proper exercise, I haven’t made friends in years, etc, stuff that having a job would provide. So I definitely needed that change in my life. For about 6 years I’ve been going to a county clinic that aided by providing group support, as well as, therapy, and psychiatric help.

I need a change, and I hope this job can provide, as I also cannot afford the monthly income I receive with disability.

Let’s hope for the best!

When Does Change Become Inevitable?

I’ve been through so many changes within the past year. I left a relationship and went into another one. I’m starting a job soon, as well as possibly moving places.

All of which I fear, so much, but when does change become inevitable? When is change required? In my case, my life has stopped, almost completely. Single-handedly. Because of my fear. I’m on disability and can no longer support my life with the little money I get. Which is why I am getting a job. I’m not completely goal-oriented as some folks are, which is why I fail to finish tasks on my own. It seems like it doesn’t matter how disabled I am mentally, I still cannot support myself on the dollars I receive.

As far as the moving…well, that’s because i’ve left a relationship and entered a new one. One which I do hope ends in marriage.

We will see, but it’s a huge jump for me, all of this. I want to figure out my destiny and my future, with everything. If you guys know me, i’m a dreamer. A huge dreamer. And life doesn’t treat dreamers well.

But we will see where everything goes.

Recent Alcohol Problems

I’ve been dealing with alcohol issues for about a strong month now. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I would.

I started drinking when I was 15. It wasn’t until about 21 years of age when I really had somewhat of an issue. I binge drank at that age, once I could legally get my hands on alcohol. I went crazy a bit, wanting to become a wine connoisseur. It slowed down and I quit after awhile. So I figured, “no problem, here”, right? Probably right, to an extent.

It was until this year, 2016, in January, when I took it back up. I binge drank. Quit for a few months to start gambling for the first time in my life, hard, for about a month. Quit that.

You’d think these were phases the way I quit them so quick. In June, I went back to drinking, everyday, hard, again. Fast forward till now, early July, I’m still drinking. Not everyday but it’s every other day.

I guess I’m not sure what to think about all of this. I just feel as if I need to see this words. Only to read it back and realize I probably had somewhat of a breakdown.

Will I look back and realize I had a breakdown? Probably so, Moze, probably so.

My group therapy has been a no-show on the schedule since may. They stopped it for some reason. I haven’t had enough therapy. I’m dealing with a using boyfriend. 

Those are my reasons. That’s what i’ve been sticking to as to why i’ve been drinking. It’s been a stressful summer off school. You’d think this was all college “stuff”, but it’s more than that.

-Moze