Being on disability is hard. For me, it’s a miracle, but then it is also a curse. It helps with financial difficulties, no doubt. As well as, getting the medical care I need for my mental health, and being able to afford my medication.
But then, it is like I curse. I sit at home all day, alone, doing random things. I don’t get proper exercise, I haven’t made friends in years, etc, stuff that having a job would provide. So I definitely needed that change in my life. For about 6 years I’ve been going to a county clinic that aided by providing group support, as well as, therapy, and psychiatric help.
I need a change, and I hope this job can provide, as I also cannot afford the monthly income I receive with disability.
I’ve been through so many changes within the past year. I left a relationship and went into another one. I’m starting a job soon, as well as possibly moving places.
All of which I fear, so much, but when does change become inevitable? When is change required? In my case, my life has stopped, almost completely. Single-handedly. Because of my fear. I’m on disability and can no longer support my life with the little money I get. Which is why I am getting a job. I’m not completely goal-oriented as some folks are, which is why I fail to finish tasks on my own. It seems like it doesn’t matter how disabled I am mentally, I still cannot support myself on the dollars I receive.
As far as the moving…well, that’s because i’ve left a relationship and entered a new one. One which I do hope ends in marriage.
We will see, but it’s a huge jump for me, all of this. I want to figure out my destiny and my future, with everything. If you guys know me, i’m a dreamer. A huge dreamer. And life doesn’t treat dreamers well.
On March 1st, 2015, I got a great opportunity to be in the NAMI commercial for mental health awareness month in May. I was filmed as an extra, in Dallas, TX. The commercial will air in May. I can’t wait to see it, and for awareness to spread and stigma to lessen as much as it can. I will post the commercial when it comes in. So keep a look out for it! In the mean time, visit www.NAMI.org and look for your local NAMI chapter!
I havent posted in a very long time. I just hadnt had time, ive forgotten, ive also been doing video blogs, etc.
But then something came up that I felt so strong about…
I feel like I’m the only person in this world that is tolerant to almost everything. There are certain things that I if I was tolerant to it would be sort of weird. For example being biracial, it would be weird to be tolerant of white pride. Well…to support it.
What Im trying to get at is, having been on so many forums and support groups online that deal with supporting others and receiving support for mental health, it’s odd to me how many people on these online places are very intolerant of religion. Now I’m christian. Im serious about my faith and religion but Im not one to preach to random people in public, to random people online, and places like these support groups that have policies that state to keep talk of religion to a minimum or nil.
Maybe I dont know what I was expecting, but I thought people going through so much struggle and so desperate looking for support wouldnt stoop so low as bash other religions. Im not just talking about my own but other peoples religions too.
My beliefs lie in a certain religion but I will always respect other peoples beliefs. I used to not, but I got older and I learned respect.
This goes into other topics, as well. So many people just have no respect for people of other races, genders, sexual orientations, or their beliefs in politics, or even people with certain disabilities disrespect people with other types of disabilities. I dont understand how people can be in such a mindset like that. I understand getting upset or “butthurt” about someone saying something and then you make some sort of throwback at them. But why continuously live life forever disliking a set of people or peoples beliefs?
To me that’s such a sad life. It honestly wants to make me be completely done with the internet and disconnect myself entirely. Though you have to realize that these are real people who live out there in real life saying these things, and me doing such a thing like disconnecting myself wouldnt change that theres still those people out there who log on and say that stuff. And they live in our world outside of the internet. Well…most all of them do.
within every person with schizophrenia is a different person. we are all different.
also i dont buy into the fact the people with schizophrenia arent depressed. maybe not clinical and so bad to needing ECT. but this is such a lonely disorder. i refuse to say disease. i need hours upon hours of alone time. but to be alone for so many years is a different thing. i actually handled it well minus the psychosis for 4 years. idk whats differnt abut this year. maybe that my neighbor died. and it has me questioning life and the purpose of it. but this and last year have been the worst years of my life.
2008 was bad. but its like 2008 when i was almost homeless is like hitting me now i think because i didnt realize the impact money has until i got on disability last year. and now im on food stamps. who knows how long ill have all that too. i fear ill lose any at any review time.
i may not be a leper in my eyes but im another poverty statistic. another mentally ill poverty statistic. the kinda person sociologists report on in the news and articles online and how we need to help these people. but help never comes around. its all talk. and we are all stuck in the same place with money woes and mentally ill minds and loneliness and other health issues and other issues. well yea who wouldnt be depressed.
in 2007 when i was 16 i was for sure id be a film student at a top texas university mingling with very few people but at the near top envied with my creative visions. never a nobody on disability and food stamps. not a single soul known in my mind. my dad taking care of me. and a racked up number of police records and hospital stays. #1 member at club meds. in the top 5 at a least. everything turned to hell in prodromal symptoms in 2008 and a full blown psychotic episode that same year when i was borderline homeless. and every year of my life since then too. and it only gets worse. the symptoms. my life situation. the environment. etc.
dont tell me to not give up. ive given up already. dont give me that bullsh_t about trying harder or giving it time or how the meds will work it evenly out. now all i can think about is how to live minute by minute on these meds with still symptoms vying for my attention. talking to my voices alone and in public. and fearing what i know is real. dont tell me its not. because it is.
im alone in this and always will be. question is how can i NOT kill myself over that fact.
Not happy about the county mental health clinic changing my psychiatrist up on me. RIGHT before I leave out the door when I am making my appointment. It upset me so much that I felt the need to runaway for about a week or so.
im currently trying to make plans to take off somewhere in the united states, OTHER than this state. anywhere but here.
For a bit I thought I thought I was doing well with no voices for about a week or two. I just realized an hour ago I have been hearing them even more. I sort of know why. I think the slight increase in stress with getting my insurance cut off, even though I know medicare will replace it. Also definitely the change in my psychiatrists put on me out of the blue (EXTREMELY angry about that). And other stuff. I just didnt notice because ive been paying less attention to if i am hearing voices and just interacted with them more I guess. Which is probably why Ive felt less bored. Just to be honest.
I want to get away from most of this mental health stuff someday. Instead of engaging in analyzing stuff like “am I hearing voices more” or something of that nature. I have been doing well to get away from it the past few months. But more I get away from it though the more it comes towards me in some way.