Literal Mood Changes

Wow. It’s so interesting when you find out something about yourself that you seem to deny often, yet accept anyway, just because.

My diagnoses as it stands is Schizoaffective Disorder, Bipolar Subtype. I never really accepted the bipolar part, because I saw myself as more of a depressed person.

According to my Daylio mood chart, I am depressed, yet it still shows up AND down moods along with the depression.

Not what I was expecting, and it’s hard to deny fact, considering this is only for 6 days of recording. I’m curious to see what a month of recording looks like, and very scared at the same time.

My Love admitted that sometimes he doesn’t know which person he’s coming home to. Happy or sad, or neutral or depressed person.

Well, let’s keep a record over this next month and see…

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Stressed, Tired, And Broke

I can’t help it. I’m burnt out from work, and everything else.

I cried last night. Well, I bawled my eyes out. I kept thinking of my Dad dying, and My Love leaving me. My Love said that won’t happen, “I’m not going anywhere”.

I’m so new here still, in this town, trying to make a life for myself. It’s hard. It’s just really hard.

And i’m stressed, tired, and broke.

This is so hard, ya’ll. Let me tell ya.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Mood Change

I’m feeling down, depressed and sluggish.

I feel like there’s a hole in my torso; a void.

We recently got a gym membership. And I cannot take anymore of eating crap food. My Love called from his work today and the void filled a bit. He was here with me for 4 days straight. My friends recommended I burn some incense and play some soft music. I did that while cleaning a bit, and I feel kind of better.

Here’s to my 2019 journey! 🥂

Redundancy

I was warned…

…about the redundancy of jobs. Having a job, period.

I had an episode last night. You could call it a psychotic episode if you want. I just got a little off track in my mind, and started talking about people following me. Something My Love has only seen a few times. So it was pretty embarrassing and hard for me. It started with a panic attack, and ended with paranoia about people.

How does that and a job tie in together? Well, I’m probably getting stressed out. I signed up for many jobs this past month. Probably 4. Along with writing my book and keeping up with this blog. So, that, on top of everything else I have to do like keep up house while My Love is at work, is very stressful for me. It’d be stressful on anyone, but add in someone like me who deals with mental health problems, and only has been able to function normally for about 4 years now.

*BREATHE*

Ok. So I’m not exactly taking a break. I’m not exactly gonna do much to handle this right now. Because I have not worked for almost 2 weeks now. I’ve been burnt out, and depressed.

With that said. I DID want to document this. I’m normal. I’m mentally ill. My Love tells me all the time, “Quit sitting in a dark room, in silence, on your phone all day”. He’s so right, and I need to stop, but I did that for almost 10 years while being sick. It’s a hard habit to break.

Thanks for reading! And until next time!

Stress & Sickness

I’ve been here at this new apartment for a little over a month now. I’ve also been sick since we moved here. I’ve had migraines, runny noses, dry coughs, vomiting, etc. I wondered for a second about black mold, but I couldnt find any anywhere in this tiny place.

I think a lot of this sickness has to do with stress. My friend reminded me that stress CAN lower your immunity to sicknesses. One ends for me, and something else starts.

I’ve conquered moving. Yay, right? Yes, but I am also in the process of starting a new job, trying to get more fit, and eat better. Amongst other smaller feats i’m trying to handle.

Long story short, I need to work on my coping mechanisms/skills. I need a hobby, or something to make and sell, or something. Anything to get out of this dreaded mind of mine.

Any suggestions for new hobbies?

Thank you for reading! And until next time!