Recent Alcohol Problems

I’ve been dealing with alcohol issues for about a strong month now. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I would.

I started drinking when I was 15. It wasn’t until about 21 years of age when I really had somewhat of an issue. I binge drank at that age, once I could legally get my hands on alcohol. I went crazy a bit, wanting to become a wine connoisseur. It slowed down and I quit after awhile. So I figured, “no problem, here”, right? Probably right, to an extent.

It was until this year, 2016, in January, when I took it back up. I binge drank. Quit for a few months to start gambling for the first time in my life, hard, for about a month. Quit that.

You’d think these were phases the way I quit them so quick. In June, I went back to drinking, everyday, hard, again. Fast forward till now, early July, I’m still drinking. Not everyday but it’s every other day.

I guess I’m not sure what to think about all of this. I just feel as if I need to see this words. Only to read it back and realize I probably had somewhat of a breakdown.

Will I look back and realize I had a breakdown? Probably so, Moze, probably so.

My group therapy has been a no-show on the schedule since may. They stopped it for some reason. I haven’t had enough therapy. I’m dealing with a using boyfriend. 

Those are my reasons. That’s what i’ve been sticking to as to why i’ve been drinking. It’s been a stressful summer off school. You’d think this was all college “stuff”, but it’s more than that.

-Moze

Cognitive Dysfuction in Mental Illness

My medications have been taking a toll on my brain or my mind.

The Haldol has been causing cognitive dysfunction within my brain. I can’t think straight, I can’t comprehend what to other people are saying, I can’t understand some of the most simple of things. All because of the Haldol. Antipsychotics are a hell of a drug. They are a hell of a class of drugs meant to rule your mind.

Lately, I haven’t been able to keep up with small tasks like taking care of my animals/pets. Taking them out? I

forget. Feeding them? I forget. It seems almost scatter-brained. That’s the best word I could come up with.

Scatter-brained:

scat·ter·brained
adjective
adjective: scatterbrained; adjective: scatter-brained
  1. (of a person) disorganized and lacking in concentration.

I am scatterbrained for the time being. Under the control of so many medications, I dont know where my mind is going to, or where it’s headed. I need a 5 year long term plan.

Extroversion Eludes Me

Extroversion eludes me.

I’m not naturally extroverted. Is that ok? My parents have been divorced since I was about 15. My father works all day, and I’m home all day. Right now I’m in college, so I’m studying and I try to get out and try to keep myself busy but it’s not that easy, especially when I have no one else to spend my time with. I don’t know but one or two other people I can spend my time with that’s not my parents. Although, I end up spending my time with my parents.

So extroversion naturally just eludes me. It just naturally slips away from me, between my fingers. I can never hold onto it, as much as I wish or want to.

The funny thing about all of this is what I’m studying. Studying philosophy, and existentialism being my favorite topic, is a profound thing. I found out where I am on the totem pole of human beings and extroversion vs introversion. Of course, that’s also a topic for psychology, being a big thing with Carl Jung.

I’ve always done things alone. Activities, working, playing, etc, I have done alone. I have always felt that I have wanted to do things alone, but at the same time I have felt I’ve always done things best when I’ve done them alone. I’ve gotten things done more efficiently alone, and the outcome has been better. As I’ve gotten older I’ve stayed the same a bit, but maybe have wanted more of a balance between introversion and extroversion. Not so much introversion. I think it’s because I’ve had more introverted time as I’ve gotten older, and I feel I need to be exposed to more people to balance it out. I could possibly go back to wanting more introversion. Overall, I feel I need a balance. At least for right now. I still know know for sure, though, that I am highly more introverted than extroverted. But is that ok? In this society it doesn’t feel ok. Not as ok as it plays out to be.

Sleep and Relaxation

I’ve been pushing myself to get out and do more things and push away my feelings. It’s really broken me down. I’ve not just had more episodes, but probably more episodes because of this, because of pushing myself to my limits. Past my limits. I’ve been pushing myself to go to college, socialize, take criticism when I can’t (from family/friends, and take demands), etc. It’s really starting to wear on me. It’s making me more emotional and breaking me down.

My clinic, my nurse practitioner lowered the dosage of my sleeping medication and I haven’t been sleeping. I need that sleep. Every hour I can get, I need it. For my mental health. I really do. It’s so incredibly vital to me. So much so. I used to shun sleep. I thought it was for the weak. I was becoming psychotic without it. Even without just a normal amount. I naturally can’t sleep. So I grew to think that people that did sleep were naturally, just, weak.

I’m not sure if having a full schedule is good for me. I really need downtime. I need that 2-3 hours where I have nothing to do to regain my sanity. To relax. To think. I like being busy. Just not sure that is the life for me where I have something to do every second of the day. It’s just not something that I think is good for my health, because it’s very stressful, and I can only imagine what it’s like for someone else with schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder, or another severe mental health issue.

TwentySomethings Existential Crisis With Mental Illness

This issue hasn’t exactly got me tossing and turning yet, but I’m almost there. It could be called something of a “Quarter-Life Crisis”. Not sure if it applies to me. I am though going through some sort of existential crisis.

I am 24 years old. I will be 25 in some number of months (not too long from now) and I realize that, yes, I am getting older. I’m getting further and further away from my high school years. I graduated high school at 17. I went to college that same summer, of that same year, because my parents thought it was a smart idea. That’s a whole other story.

Well, at 24, I’m still in college. That’s not a bad thing, and it’s not a good thing. It’s not a good thing by society’s standards, but because of my mental health and many hospitalizations I went through, and the down times I had, It’s not a bad thing. It shows my resilience, my willingness to succeed and keep going, and persistence.

I’m studying philosophy right now. I love it! I especially love existentialism. Philosophy drew itself to me while going through the tough periods with Schizoaffective disorder and growing older, and thinking upon suicide, and “Where am I going in life?”. I’m still new to it, I’ll admit. Everyone starts somewhere in Philosophy, I was told.

So, where am I going in life at 24 going on 25, 26, 27, 28, 29…etc? I just see time ticking away away, whereas I just saw time sitting still when I was younger. I’ll still give the fact that sometimes I still do see time stand still, but then I look away and look back and it has passed. So there’s a whole new realization. I feel as if I’ve wasted so much of my time being hospitalized. I know I couldn’t have done much to stop that, but I still can’t help but feel like it’s time wasted. Especially the down time from medication. The sleeping all the time, mostly. Sleeping up to 12-16 hours a day at one point. Even once as to sleep 24 hours straight, if my memory serves me correct. That’s another thing. My memory. Where are my memories from my early twenties? My mid-to-late teens? Nothing but withered away from medications into oblivion. I feel lucky I even took a few pictures. I take a lot of pictures nowadays. Partly because I feel like my memory will be abolished from medications, but then I want to remember even the littlest things when I get even older. With all this technology around me why not use it?

The fact that I can even see a bit of time still standing still, somewhat, I feel shows I’m still youthful. Although, I don’t want to waste this youthful time doing nothing, or what I perceive as doing nothing. I want, and need, to fill my time up with memories, events, church, educating myself, and having a lot more (healthy) fun. Just ANYTHING besides being hospitalized. Anything besides that.

This Is What Happens When I Start To Relapse (Briefly)

I was doing well for a bit, and at first didn’t have time to write here the past week because my schedule was pretty busy. My schedule is still busy, but then I started really going downhill. I started having more episodes, and they have been becoming more severe.

I’m in denial, I think, that I am in relapse because I have been doing so well for so long. These past 2 months have been relapse, and the whole time when I was having mini episodes I was thinking, “Well, what if I relapse?”. Well I already am relapsing. Sure I was having mini episodes before 2 months ago, but it was far and few in between, and they didn’t get severe. Now the episodes are becoming more, and becoming severe. My paranoia is ramping up, my anxiety/panic attacks are very severe, my hallucinations are becoming more and more (which I don’t always have), and I become confused a lot more. My paranoia is something that I have a huge problem with as far as positive symptoms.

One example, I remember sitting on the couch watching the news yesterday and every person’s face and name that passed across the screen, I had sworn I knew them in real life, like outside of the news. I sworn I knew them and they have tried to kill me before in the past. I had vivid memories of them trying to kill me. Then a few minutes later I had no idea what I was watching. I didn’t know what the program was, even though it was still the news. My confusion just kicked in liked that; I became very confused. It wasn’t a memory issue. It became a confusion thing. I can say all that now, but I couldn’t then.

My psychiatrist quit and I am dealing with a new provider. Which has taken me off my anti-depressant. I was really upset. I’ve been on one my whole life until I got to this community clinic. Then I asked a year ago for one because I believed I needed one. Then this new provider took me off because she saw I was only on it for a year. I stopped taking it for a week because of side effects and I went in thinking I was going to be able to change it to something else (because of the side effects). I was just taken off.

I try to write when I have some clarity. I’ve been putting off updating the past three days so I can write with clarity.

I’m really nervous I will fail my courses in college because I am only halfway through. I just started back going to college, so this is not a good thing that is happening.

I’m really not sure how I will get through this.

Road To Recovery Coming To A Dead End?

My therapist said that after a month she will reevaluate giving me hour sessions, more sessions, and not having to have my parent come into the sessions with me. Right now I’m seeing a therapist 30 minutes a month, and I have to have my parent sit in all the sessions with me.

I’m happy, but that took so long. I’ve been seeing her for over 6 months now. Over half a year. Part of me doesn’t understand why I have to fight so hard for good therapy to the point where I have to consider changing therapists or clinics. Nothing is fair at this clinic. They take so much of my money. I thought it was because they were just too booked to get me in for hour sessions, and more sessions. That’s really not the case. I just think they don’t really care. I really don’t.

My psychosis has been getting worse over the past couple of weeks. I think I might be in denial, I don’t know. I keep saying I am having many mini episodes. In reality, I think I am just over the threshold into psychosis now and having bouts of “normalcy” every now and then. My episodes are just more and more, and times when I’m “Ok” is becoming less and less. I am having tons of voices, and my paranoia is ramped up so incredibly high. I get disorganized at times when the voices become overpowering. Maybe my anxiety worsening over the past few months was a sign, I am not even sure. I feel like I knew what the signs were, but either I forgot the signs or they seem to take a different pattern each time. I become confused a lot, even when I’m not hearing voices. I get confused and forget, a lot.

I’ve put a lot on my plate in the past few months; attending college again, getting out more. Actually that’s the main things I’ve been doing, but it’s extremely stressful, and I don’t think I might have taken the right approach to it, and may have done it too fast. I don’t know. I’m really confused about everything right now.