I got into an argument with my mom a couple of days ago. I ended in her saying she doesn’t want to speak to me for a few months. Which really broke my heart because I speak to her everyday, sometimes more than once a day. It really broke me down.
I deleted her from my Facebook, for a couple of reasons. One, I don’t want her to see my posts anymore if she feels she doesn’t want to talk to me for a really long time. And, two, why do I even have my mom on Facebook, anyway? She has for countless times spied on me and asked me to down posts about her. I am not going to do that. I don’t air my dirty laundry on Facebook, and I rarely post, but when I do I post what I want, because it’s how I am feeling. I blocked her from twitter and reading my posts there. Don’t ask me why she has a twitter. It’s probably all to spy on me. That’s how I feel.
I am a very lonely person, so I don’t know I am going to go about being home alone for days on end without contacting her, because I have only two other friends. Which are living their life.
Why am I not living my life?
I need a healthier lifestyle, and I need more friends and people who I can contact.
I dropped out of all my classes this semester in college and I am doing terribly right now. I need a total life change.
This has been a turning point in my life. I can’t let someone who is self-destructive in their own ways and to themselves bring me down, too. And that’s what I’m doing. This is exactly what my father teaches me about and I’m so stuck on socializing that I don’t get it. I did a little research on parenting styles. My father’s parenting style is very authoritative, but more on the authoritarian side. My mother’s is rejecting and neglecting. My father is still loving to me, and shows a lot of love. With my mom, I get pushed aside for my sister, falling in between the cracks of everything and sort of forgotten about. She does everything for my sister, while I sit in the shadows collecting dust. It’s also been that way with my mental health issues. I saw her a few times when she visited me in hospitals, but after a few times, it was no more. She wants me to accept her new husband as my dad, but I already have a loving father, and no one can replace him. Ever.
I can’t sleep anymore. I get up at 4am and walk the house. I lay in bed pondering my life over and over and over. I am not myself anymore. I’m a new person, but not in a good way.
I had a panic attack attempting to delete a few people from my Facebook. Some of them family. It’s never easy deleting family from facebook. It’s never easy deleting anyone from Facebook. I never thought I would have such a hard time. So much so, that I would have a panic attack over it. Well, I covered all my bases, you know, should I give them a “head’s up”, or should I just not give them any notice.
I won’t go into detail what happened, but social media is so anxiety inducing, because there’s no face-to-face interaction with the person. In my mind, I feel like the face-to-face interaction is easier to deal with because you see the emotions of the person, you hear their voice, and then afterwards you can deal with their real-time emotions of the aftermath of the situation. Keyword is real-time. With texting, Facebook, instagram, twitter, etc, and the like, you’re dealing with the delay of the person’s emotions. They may have calmed down in the aftermath of a situation if something has gone wrong, or they may have gotten angrier and things have boiled in their head. OR you could be that person texting angrily and that other person could be busy and have no clue as to what’s going on and didn’t even get your text/message.
This could all be the same for something positive that has happened. I was personally speaking from my situation as if something has gone horribly wrong.
My anxiety and panic attacks get pretty bad. I admit I usually run to my medicine. I’m trying to find other ways to calm myself. I can find peace of mind through music and distraction. Not so much reading, as my mind races when I am anxious and panicky. Dancing helps. Distraction is a big helper. Distraction through television, music, and sitting outside. Which is about all I can think about right now. I am finding more as I go on to recovery.
I am finding that I am becoming more anxious as I recover. I did not expect that. That blindsided me.
My medications have been taking a toll on my brain or my mind.
The Haldol has been causing cognitive dysfunction within my brain. I can’t think straight, I can’t comprehend what to other people are saying, I can’t understand some of the most simple of things. All because of the Haldol. Antipsychotics are a hell of a drug. They are a hell of a class of drugs meant to rule your mind.
Lately, I haven’t been able to keep up with small tasks like taking care of my animals/pets. Taking them out? I
forget. Feeding them? I forget. It seems almost scatter-brained. That’s the best word I could come up with.
adjective: scatterbrained; adjective: scatter-brained
(of a person) disorganized and lacking in concentration.
I am scatterbrained for the time being. Under the control of so many medications, I dont know where my mind is going to, or where it’s headed. I need a 5 year long term plan.
This is just an update.
Over Mother’s Day I was thinking about how much older my mom was getting and how much older my father was getting since Father’s Day is right next month. My father is almost 70…My mother almost 60. I am only 24.
I was just sad, kind of. Almost upset. They had me in their 30’s and 40’s. They are 10 years apart.
I feel as if they will not see me finish college. I don’t know how to feel, but I feel a bit upset and really depressed about it.
I’ve been having hallucinations, voices, paranoia, and lots and lots of anxiety. I’ve been taking my medicine like clockwork. My xanax even more so.
I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder when I was about 15. It changed to Paranoid Schizophrenia when I was 21. It has went between Schizoaffective disorder and Paranoid Schizophrenia off and on since I was 21. Depending on what doctor I saw or if I went to a hospital and saw a psychiatrist there.
Only a handful of people know, which include obviously my providers, and my immediate family.
I look at that sentence and I think, “Wow, just my immediate family, why?”. Well, it’s a private matter, yes, but no one else would understand. There would be stigma, right? Both, yes. I’ve already had stigma from other family members, and people who aren’t family.
It being National Mental Health Awareness Month it’s hard to fathom that with all the kinds of change that’s happening in 2015 (and even in the recent past) in this great world, that the kind of change that I wish would happen hasn’t happened. The awareness for mental health and mental illness. It’s hard enough as it is to get my immediate family to understand my struggles with my illness, so there’s no way I’d be able to get anyone else to understand a lifetime of struggles or even a day or frame of time of struggles. I feel like why even try. That’s how I feel right now in my life. But, I wouldn’t stop spreading the awareness for others’ awareness. For others being able to have a spread awareness for their extended family family or friends or other people.
My parents are more open to me than ever, but it took a long time, many years to get here, and that’s sad in itself. They didn’t trust and didn’t want me to go to mental health providers at all. They still don’t really trust doctors in general. They belittled me for awhile, and one parent belittled my appearance because of the side effects of the medication: the weight gain. I cannot post my real feelings through some social media because of all of this, but I digress. My extended family will never truly understand my struggles. Will they ever know my illness? Maybe someday some will, if I tell them, but that’s my buisiness ultimately, and i’m not one to share my illness openly, BUT those that are mature enough to take on my buisiness and know me well enough, I might just tell them. I’m not sure about everyone’s family, but…I don’t feel like my family will ever be ready to hear it. And it makes me really sad.
I was so happy to be apart of changing the stigma of mental health in this country and around the world. I felt honored to be apart of the NAMI commercial that took place in Dallas, TX. It was absolutely freezing with 30 degree weather!
Here is the behind the scenes look at the commercial that comes out in May for Mental Health Awareness Month 2015. For more info you can go to my page on Mental Health Awareness and NAMI’s Mental Health Month 2015 page. Thanks for watching!