And So It Begins (An Open Commentary To Myself)

Just like I thought it would, and I was scared it would, but I ignored everything and kept my head up. Rightfully so, as I have been excited about moving, and have wanted to move for 2 years, or more.

Bills: Please stop. I’ve had enough. And it’s causing anxiety and nausea. It is making me physically sick. I’ve truly had enough. I should’ve expected this right? I mean everyone has bills. Yea, but i’m just poor as hell, and dealing with incompetent businesses to get my bills paid to.

I’m sick: A few days after I moved, I got a head cold. Two days later it’s over. Great! But now my nose has been stuffy for 3 weeks, and add nausea from time to time. My friends say I am getting used to a new environment and new microbes; throw in the weather. One person said moving causes stress, which in turn causes sickness.

Family: I miss them so dearly, and I am so afraid to be alone out here in a city I know nothing about, and living with someone I only dated a year. I called and cried to my Dad last night. He seemed like he was about to cry as I was crying. I hit an emotional hurdle, for sure. I even made sure to bring the teddy bear he gave me one Valentine’s Day. I AM a Daddy’s girl, definitely.

This open commentary to myself has never felt more cathartic.

Thank you for reading.



Taking A Leap Of Faith (A Realization Post)

So I did it. I finally became independent. It only took 28 years!

Moving out is so cathartic, yet it is bittersweet to visit parents at home.

Here I am, with the love of my life, blogging, in our own place. How awesome! Right? Well, yes, but to an extent. The cons? Well, the bills, and the neighbors are ‘eh’, oh, and the lack of money because of bills, yea…

The pros? Way too many. They outdo the cons (even though bills are a major thing right now). But, the independence, being with my love (and so much closer to sealing that lifelong deal we all dream about), the ability to pay bills (that is so quintessential to life, I have money now). Oh, I could go on!

So, as everything in my personal blogging sphere is, I DID come on here to vent as well! So, prepare!

I got into yet another argument with my mom. As our relationship stands, it is very rocky, and i’ll admit (not just me) but she has to tread carefully. I guess what gets me is, the drinking. I drink, too, so no hypocrisy here, no shame. I just am someone who drinks and is, at the same time, honest about drinking. The rest of my family members aren’t. It’s ok. Do you, momma, but, ima do me, too.

I love you, but I just cannot tell you everything mom, i can’t. It would be a big burden to not only my personal intimate relationship with my, right now, boyfriend, but also, my relationship with you.

Not to say I hate my mom, I don’t. I love her with all my heart. Although, she’s just one of those people (cancer’s, if you believe in Astrology) that I cannot tell everything to, and it’s only hurting me to do that.

Do you Momma! I’ma do me!

 

CBD And How It Has Helped My Mental Health

Have you heard of CBD or hemp? It’s being touted as a miracle vitamin, drug, oil, etc.

They have hemp in everything from hemp seeds and hemp clothing, to even hemp shoes and tires.

But, CBD is being used medicinally in medical marijuana, as well as from the high-CBD, low-THC hemp plant. Many companies are selling CBD oil, edibles (such as gummy bears/worms), pet treats, topicals, and even flower!

I saw CBD in my local vape shop, bought some, then did some research on it before taking it. I discovered TONS of people being helped by it for various reasons, such as back pain, all the way to anxiety.

So I decided to give it a shot. I bought from a reputable brand, and waited until my anxiety was high. I bought a vape pen and used it. I was instantly relieved in a matter of seconds. It seemed like a miracle, but I kept using it and testing it throughout the month. It always did it’s job, and with the only side effect for me being sleepiness. But that was great, because I am a lifelong insomniac, since I started puberty (many many years ago!).

It’s been maybe 6 or so months. I have joined groups, followed those on Instagram who use CBD, and have researched CBD even MORE thoroughly, as well as, the different companies and farms out there. It’s a very interesting topic to discuss, and research. People of all ages use it. It has helped with minor pains, anxiety (minor to severe), and even my depressive episodes to a large degree!

While I want to say I am NOT a doctor or medical professional, and my experiences are my own. There. But I do recommend that those who are curious to read more into it.

I Took A Huge Step Forward Yesterday

So, I have applied for some jobs.

Being on disability is hard. For me, it’s a miracle, but then it is also a curse. It helps with financial difficulties, no doubt. As well as, getting the medical care I need for my mental health, and being able to afford my medication.

But then, it is like I curse. I sit at home all day, alone, doing random things. I don’t get proper exercise, I haven’t made friends in years, etc, stuff that having a job would provide. So I definitely needed that change in my life. For about 6 years I’ve been going to a county clinic that aided by providing group support, as well as, therapy, and psychiatric help.

I need a change, and I hope this job can provide, as I also cannot afford the monthly income I receive with disability.

Let’s hope for the best!

When Does Change Become Inevitable?

I’ve been through so many changes within the past year. I left a relationship and went into another one. I’m starting a job soon, as well as possibly moving places.

All of which I fear, so much, but when does change become inevitable? When is change required? In my case, my life has stopped, almost completely. Single-handedly. Because of my fear. I’m on disability and can no longer support my life with the little money I get. Which is why I am getting a job. I’m not completely goal-oriented as some folks are, which is why I fail to finish tasks on my own. It seems like it doesn’t matter how disabled I am mentally, I still cannot support myself on the dollars I receive.

As far as the moving…well, that’s because i’ve left a relationship and entered a new one. One which I do hope ends in marriage.

We will see, but it’s a huge jump for me, all of this. I want to figure out my destiny and my future, with everything. If you guys know me, i’m a dreamer. A huge dreamer. And life doesn’t treat dreamers well.

But we will see where everything goes.

Possible Book?

I don’t get a lot of people reading my blog and over the past few years have only 86 subscribers. I find those few to be loyal. 

I recently came across a book in my library called “The Diary Of A Teenager With Schizoaffective Disorder” by Gaynor Jackson. It was self published on Amazon through a self publishing company. Ever since I had that book my thought process has lead me to want to write one. Not to make money but to share my story.

I would like to hear others’ thoughts and advice on writing a book. I wonder if anyone would even buy it, to be honest. It would be comprised of diary writings from being in the hospital and years after when I came to be content even though I am still not happy. I wasn’t content before so that’s a big change in itself.

Let me know fellow readers and subscribers. 

If a thirteen-year-old could do it, I would like to share my story, too.

New Year

When we think of the new year, we think “New year, new me”. It’s not always that easy. We make resolutions, but we don’t always strive our best to succeed in them past so long.

I can’t say what my new years resolution is going to be. I probably won’t even make one, but one thing I know I’m going to do: continue being me. I’m not sorry. I will be the best me. 

Another thing, I don’t plan on letting anyone push me to the ground like past years and walk on me like a doormat. Nuff said.

Keep checking out new blogs in 2017. Subscribe! I post a lot on my youtube channel, as well!