All My Life I Had To Fight

I really hope this title isn’t misleading. On God, I had to fight.

I had to deal with my mental illness overcoming me, and people belittling me because I wasn’t “all there”. To them, I was just nothing. Or at least I’d never amount to anything. To them, I was just going to be on disability for the rest of my life. Never work. Never succeed in college. Never do much of anything, if I did ANYTHING at all.

I’m here to say that, that is over with. I got a nice, decent place with my love, i’m trying to goto work (pretty much already have a job), i’m becoming INDEPENDENT. Something people thought i’d never do.

And here I am. Folks, this is mental health recovery at it’s finest.

If you have ever doubted yourself, look at me. I went from pretty much catatonic to independent in 5 years. Quite seriously.

(Pictured: My love, his dog, my cat)

I Took A Huge Step Forward Yesterday

So, I have applied for some jobs.

Being on disability is hard. For me, it’s a miracle, but then it is also a curse. It helps with financial difficulties, no doubt. As well as, getting the medical care I need for my mental health, and being able to afford my medication.

But then, it is like I curse. I sit at home all day, alone, doing random things. I don’t get proper exercise, I haven’t made friends in years, etc, stuff that having a job would provide. So I definitely needed that change in my life. For about 6 years I’ve been going to a county clinic that aided by providing group support, as well as, therapy, and psychiatric help.

I need a change, and I hope this job can provide, as I also cannot afford the monthly income I receive with disability.

Let’s hope for the best!

The Idea of Recovery Has Become Non-Existant

Everytime i realize i dont have anyone around me to talk to i tear up a little. Pathetic.

Talking to people online isnt something i truly wanted. i started doing it to temporarily combat loneliness until i found someone in the real world. 3 years later i still have no one and my presence online has increased 3-4x times as much as i even wanted it to. Yet i’m getting to a point where I dont want to talk at all, now. Or maybe I just see the act of telling someone how I feel and what I think is becoming pointless really. Through the limited help i’ve recieved, and through all the cracks i’ve fallen through in my life, I feel the whole “sharing” and “being open” about oneself has had its opportunity where I could have done that. But I am become less open to being open with someone one on one anymore, online or in real life. I havent quit yet, but I cant say it will stick around much longer. It’s been diminished drastically. Also my wanting to get professional help.

I went through my late teens adhering and being completely compliant in every way thrown at me. Then when I became twenty i denounced medication but still was very open to any and all therapys or treatments non-pharma related. Now around my 23rd birthday, i’m not sure how i feel about anything at all. Period.