This Is Unlike Me

It’s very unlikely, and unlike me to write in my blog so much. Considering it has 50-something posts for the past 5 years (total).

Something happened between me and my love tonight. We went back and forth for a minute about spending time together. I cried my eyes out the other night, because he is so into his video games, and not into spending time with me when he gets off work. So today, he wanted to spend time with me, but I was too tired.

Truth is, i’m always tired, lethargic, and sometimes cranky. I’ve been sleeping from 10 or 11PM to about 11AM or later. That’s just been the past week or two, but that isn’t uncommon for me. It’s happened before.

I talked to my friends, and told them the situation. They considered if I might be depressed. I told them I am losing my hair, as well. Well, I recently got tested for thyroid problems, and the reports came back negative. Nothing. Tested for diabetes. Negative, too.

I wish I had an answer, as my goto answer is always “my meds make me tired”. Well they did for many years. Now? I’m not so sure anymore, but something is wrong. Whether i’m depressed, sick (physically), whether it’s the medication, or something entirely different.  

Either way, my current regimen for this is Vitamin D, as per my D.O. 

I am depressed to an extent. Maybe I don’t know how much. I do know that I need some new hobbies, new friends…something like that, to keep me busy. All this idle time at this new place, it’s just deadly, I feel like.

Thank you for reading, and until next time!

(And if anyone reading has suggestions, or can relate, please comment. I will reply!)

Not Everything Is So Shiny And Glossy

I’ve been talking a lot about all the good things that are happening to me. As I should be, because most everything is pretty great. 

Relationships AREN’T one hundred percent great, though. Please tell me you know that before I move on?!

The BF comes home after work and goes immediately to play his Xbox or PC games. That’s what it is. That is what’s bothering me. I’m spending less time with him, so he can play video games. You’d think that wouldn’t be bad, right, because he’s just at home doing his thing, not going to the club or anything? WRONG.

I feel somewhat neglected, I have to admit, and I hope nobody thinks i’m being childish about this. On one hand, it’s great he’s not out partying, at a club, or someplace where I don’t know where he is. Although, on the other hand, I feel it’s somewhat neglectful to me, and somewhat rude to the situation of two people looking to start a future together.

I’m slightly thinking ahead. Main thing is, I feel it’s somewhat neglectful. Another main thing is, I don’t know how to approach this situation. Other than to ask to spend more time together. In fact, I asked him today. His answer for today was, “Well, I sat down for a few minutes with you after work and relaxed”. A few minutes though? Compared to the 6pm to midnight gaming you do everyday?

Be the judge for yourself, I suppose. It has put me in a bit of a depression.

Thanks for reading, and until next time!

I Took A Huge Step Forward Yesterday

So, I have applied for some jobs.

Being on disability is hard. For me, it’s a miracle, but then it is also a curse. It helps with financial difficulties, no doubt. As well as, getting the medical care I need for my mental health, and being able to afford my medication.

But then, it is like I curse. I sit at home all day, alone, doing random things. I don’t get proper exercise, I haven’t made friends in years, etc, stuff that having a job would provide. So I definitely needed that change in my life. For about 6 years I’ve been going to a county clinic that aided by providing group support, as well as, therapy, and psychiatric help.

I need a change, and I hope this job can provide, as I also cannot afford the monthly income I receive with disability.

Let’s hope for the best!

Divorce & The Holidays

When I think about the holidays I think of the typical “jolly” spirit that we’d all like to embrace. There’s so much more lurking deeper inside all of us. We just don’t share it, and if we do we become a “Negative Nancy” or some sort of “Bah-Humbug” nuance that we all had hoped to avoid. 

I can’t speak for everyone factually and I don’t want to sound like I am. So let me speak for myself.

My childhood wasn’t perfect. It also wasn’t entirely typical. I grew up in an upper middle class, mixed race, church-going, mixed family. My dad was my dad. My mom was my mom. My sister was my sister. Of course, I loved them all. My sister is technically my half-sister, though. We shared one parent in common. My mom and dad had me later in life. I could go on with details. We all had a loving life, or so I thought. I thought we all loved each other. I thought love would keep us together. 

When I was coming into my teens, my mom was currently working as an esthetitian. She owned her own business and it became a family business between my parents. She had many customers. Many were repeat customers. She had one customer in particular that used many, if not all, of the services available. She tipped well and even brought her little dog in every once and awhile. She was also clinically deaf. 

One day there was bad news going around the beauty salon my mom and dad owned together. This specific woman, this customer, had been hit by an oncoming train. She didn’t hear it coming because she was deaf. Her husband came into the salon to tell my mom what had happened days later, not saying much else. Little did I know this was just the beginning. 

Over the period of a next few months there were times where my mom would get home from work and just sit at the computer. A computer that was not from our home. It was unusual because she would usually watch Sex and the City every night, or Ally McBeal. I found out later that the husband of the late woman bought my mom that computer. In a matter of time they were communicating in various ways through computer, phone calls, texts, the like. I suspected what was going on, as I was 14 at the time. 

One day I woke up to goto school and I couldnt find my mom anywhere. My dad said she had left the house in the middle of the night to goto another man’s house. I was surprised it happened so fast but I was privy to it. 

She left him. She left us, all of us, for him, for good. 

I was shocked. I was saddened. My heart broke.

Fast forward to now, ten years later and I’m still not over it or accepting this man as neither my stepdad or family member. You could say I hold grudges or live in the past, but this is full-on grief. I’m in the stage where I’m learning to accept the change, ten years later. 

The holidays for 2016 are rolling around and why am I stewing about this now? Because family and holidays will never be the same, and a holiday without the family you’ve ever known will never be the same. It’s a process of grieving. 

Sometimes People Just Have Nothing To Say To You

The thing about loneliness is…

…when you dont have the friends and things to do keep you busy…

…the little things don’t mean much.

I have opened up about how lonely I am. I only have my parents to open up to and then I had opened up (i feel too much) online about how lonely I am. My parents have nothing to say. Literally, they said “sorry” and that was it. That killed me. Sometimes we dont want to take advice from people, but in the case of the people closest to me…they dont even have anything to say. Theres no advice. Theres a “sorry“. thats harder to hear than advice i dont want.  i say im bored a lot in life. im not particularly bored im just not motivated. i have so much i can do and think up to do. its the same old stuff. thats ok. im just not motivated. but then again i dont have what i call “immediate” things to do. i say “immediate” because im referring to the lack of things to do my geographic area. my living in the rural cuts off things to do that are closer to home. also resources.

sometimes i question if many of my organs still exist or if they have just evaporated or melted and have been digested and excreted from my body.

The Reality of Reality

reading through things and serching for help in my area to understand medicare……….im just about to break into crying……the sadness……and upset….and embarassment…..at my income ……and mental health…..and all this stuff in my life…….this is one of those moments that……you realize how broken you actually are both inside and out………..  😥  …………like heres reality……….im sitting in it………………..in THIS reality……..broken both inside and out……………a lot of people dont realize how lucky they are……seriously……….i never ever ever saw living even contently as lucky………but its almost pure luck in this day and age………..my dad lost his jobs one day and everything crumbled…….we went from upper middle class to my parents spit divorce and then few years later to only thing seperating us between being ok and physically on the streets were some walls. measly walls. we had no furniture in the house. no running water. no electricity. no air for too long…….and my mental illness worsened and worsened and worsened these past 3-5 years……..my college career broke and over……..going on and off insurance cuz no money………and so on……

……..everything iin my life is just gone gone gone.
one thing…*POOF* gone!
something else *POOF* gone!
another thing *POOF* gone!
and so on and so on and so on.
2 years after my lose his job i ALMOST LOSE HIM. AND THEN AGAIN 1 YEAR LATER.
it doesnt even stop.
and people wonder why i keep having psychotic breaks.

you FUCKING tell me.

The Idea of Recovery Has Become Non-Existant

Everytime i realize i dont have anyone around me to talk to i tear up a little. Pathetic.

Talking to people online isnt something i truly wanted. i started doing it to temporarily combat loneliness until i found someone in the real world. 3 years later i still have no one and my presence online has increased 3-4x times as much as i even wanted it to. Yet i’m getting to a point where I dont want to talk at all, now. Or maybe I just see the act of telling someone how I feel and what I think is becoming pointless really. Through the limited help i’ve recieved, and through all the cracks i’ve fallen through in my life, I feel the whole “sharing” and “being open” about oneself has had its opportunity where I could have done that. But I am become less open to being open with someone one on one anymore, online or in real life. I havent quit yet, but I cant say it will stick around much longer. It’s been diminished drastically. Also my wanting to get professional help.

I went through my late teens adhering and being completely compliant in every way thrown at me. Then when I became twenty i denounced medication but still was very open to any and all therapys or treatments non-pharma related. Now around my 23rd birthday, i’m not sure how i feel about anything at all. Period.