And So It Begins (An Open Commentary To Myself)

Just like I thought it would, and I was scared it would, but I ignored everything and kept my head up. Rightfully so, as I have been excited about moving, and have wanted to move for 2 years, or more.

Bills: Please stop. I’ve had enough. And it’s causing anxiety and nausea. It is making me physically sick. I’ve truly had enough. I should’ve expected this right? I mean everyone has bills. Yea, but i’m just poor as hell, and dealing with incompetent businesses to get my bills paid to.

I’m sick: A few days after I moved, I got a head cold. Two days later it’s over. Great! But now my nose has been stuffy for 3 weeks, and add nausea from time to time. My friends say I am getting used to a new environment and new microbes; throw in the weather. One person said moving causes stress, which in turn causes sickness.

Family: I miss them so dearly, and I am so afraid to be alone out here in a city I know nothing about, and living with someone I only dated a year. I called and cried to my Dad last night. He seemed like he was about to cry as I was crying. I hit an emotional hurdle, for sure. I even made sure to bring the teddy bear he gave me one Valentine’s Day. I AM a Daddy’s girl, definitely.

This open commentary to myself has never felt more cathartic.

Thank you for reading.



CBD And How It Has Helped My Mental Health

Have you heard of CBD or hemp? It’s being touted as a miracle vitamin, drug, oil, etc.

They have hemp in everything from hemp seeds and hemp clothing, to even hemp shoes and tires.

But, CBD is being used medicinally in medical marijuana, as well as from the high-CBD, low-THC hemp plant. Many companies are selling CBD oil, edibles (such as gummy bears/worms), pet treats, topicals, and even flower!

I saw CBD in my local vape shop, bought some, then did some research on it before taking it. I discovered TONS of people being helped by it for various reasons, such as back pain, all the way to anxiety.

So I decided to give it a shot. I bought from a reputable brand, and waited until my anxiety was high. I bought a vape pen and used it. I was instantly relieved in a matter of seconds. It seemed like a miracle, but I kept using it and testing it throughout the month. It always did it’s job, and with the only side effect for me being sleepiness. But that was great, because I am a lifelong insomniac, since I started puberty (many many years ago!).

It’s been maybe 6 or so months. I have joined groups, followed those on Instagram who use CBD, and have researched CBD even MORE thoroughly, as well as, the different companies and farms out there. It’s a very interesting topic to discuss, and research. People of all ages use it. It has helped with minor pains, anxiety (minor to severe), and even my depressive episodes to a large degree!

While I want to say I am NOT a doctor or medical professional, and my experiences are my own. There. But I do recommend that those who are curious to read more into it.

I Find I Have More Anxiety On My Way To Recovery

I had a panic attack attempting to delete a few people from my Facebook. Some of them family. It’s never easy deleting family from facebook. It’s never easy deleting anyone from Facebook. I never thought I would have such a hard time. So much so, that I would have a panic attack over it. Well, I covered all my bases, you know, should I give them a “head’s up”, or should I just not give them any notice.

I won’t go into detail what happened, but social media is so anxiety inducing, because there’s no face-to-face interaction with the person. In my mind, I feel like the face-to-face interaction is easier to deal with because you see the emotions of the person, you hear their voice, and then afterwards you can deal with their real-time emotions of the aftermath of the situation. Keyword is real-time. With texting, Facebook, instagram, twitter, etc, and the like, you’re dealing with the delay of the person’s emotions. They may have calmed down in the aftermath of a situation if something has gone wrong, or they may have gotten angrier and things have boiled in their head. OR you could be that person texting angrily and that other person could be busy and have no clue as to what’s going on and didn’t even get your text/message.

This could all be the same for something positive that has happened. I was personally speaking from my situation as if something has gone horribly wrong.

My anxiety and panic attacks get pretty bad. I admit I usually run to my medicine. I’m trying to find other ways to calm myself. I can find peace of mind through music and distraction. Not so much reading, as my mind races when I am anxious and panicky. Dancing helps. Distraction is a big helper. Distraction through television, music, and sitting outside. Which is about all I can think about right now. I am finding more as I go on to recovery.

I am finding that I am becoming more anxious as I recover. I did not expect that. That blindsided me.

Mother’s Day Update

This is just an update.

Over Mother’s Day I was thinking about how much older my mom was getting and how much older my father was getting since Father’s Day is right next month. My father is almost 70…My mother almost 60. I am only 24.

I was just sad, kind of. Almost upset. They had me in their 30’s and 40’s. They are 10 years apart.

I feel as if they will not see me finish college. I don’t know how to feel, but I feel a bit upset and really depressed about it.

I’ve been having hallucinations, voices, paranoia, and lots and lots of anxiety. I’ve been taking my medicine like clockwork. My xanax even more so.

Panic Attacks & My Clinic + Updates

Ok first I’ll be honest I cant guarantee that i will always be writing here. Im on forums a lot and other forms of social media. I also write in a pen & paper journal.

Though, I’ve decided to update this page a little bit.

I’ve added:

My twitter account (Which I use pretty frequently)

My Youtube page/V-log/Video Blog

Other random widgets to make my page look nice.

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My psychiatrist recommended me more therapy, but my therapist is hesitant to give me more therapy. They work at the same clinic, in the same building and down the hall from each other. Yet they both aren’t aware of each others treatments on me. Makes no sense. Ever since my old therapist there resigned, this new therapist has been treating me like i’m just another dollar to her. Which I probably am.

I only get therapy 30 minutes, once a month.

Re-read that. It’s true.

I can’t afford more right now or for awhile and I can’t afford to quit therapy.

I feel entirely on my own. Im trying to go back to school. A job is out of the question. Sometimes I dont see the point. Right now I have a little more optimism in life than usual. Thats only because going back to school is giving me something to live for. Although I dont always want to do it. I dont go face to face. I go online.

My panic attacks since the past two months have been so severe. I curl up into a ball sometimes. I vomit. I tremble and shake. I’m physically bent over in mental pain. I sweat. My field of vision narrows. I feel like I’m going to black out. Sometimes I wake up with anxiety. Every night I goto bed with anxiety.

I have called my therapist about it. She has never returned my call…