So I seemingly keep having breakdown, after breakdown, after breakdown. And crying spells, this week.
Here’s the real deal, I’ve been pretty much an “invalid” for 10 years. I say that because I’ve been laying in my bed all day, everyday, for that long.
The first 4 years of that I was very sick with psychosis, and on very heavy pills, and high doses of them, the couple of years after that. Now I am in recovery, but it’s slow, very slow. I’ve been in recovery for 3-4 years now. Each year gets better, but damn, it’s so slow. I’d say every year, I probably only accomplish 2-3 things. A mix of small and big things.
Today, My Love said that, that’s how he sees me, is in bed all day. And I was gutted. It hurt so much, thinking about how much I am keeping him from doing the things he wants to do. And i’m floored. Just floored. I just don’t want him to think he is with the wrong person.
Honestly, I don’t know what to say right now, other than I am still fighting. I have gotten tested for thyroid issues and diabetes. I am on Vitamin D, and I have tried a SAD lamp, and so many different vitamins and therapy. I’m so lost as it is now.
We recently got a gym membership. And I cannot take anymore of eating crap food. My Love called from his work today and the void filled a bit. He was here with me for 4 days straight. My friends recommended I burn some incense and play some soft music. I did that while cleaning a bit, and I feel kind of better.
…about the redundancy of jobs. Having a job, period.
I had an episode last night. You could call it a psychotic episode if you want. I just got a little off track in my mind, and started talking about people following me. Something My Love has only seen a few times. So it was pretty embarrassing and hard for me. It started with a panic attack, and ended with paranoia about people.
How does that and a job tie in together? Well, I’m probably getting stressed out. I signed up for many jobs this past month. Probably 4. Along with writing my book and keeping up with this blog. So, that, on top of everything else I have to do like keep up house while My Love is at work, is very stressful for me. It’d be stressful on anyone, but add in someone like me who deals with mental health problems, and only has been able to function normally for about 4 years now.
Ok. So I’m not exactly taking a break. I’m not exactly gonna do much to handle this right now. Because I have not worked for almost 2 weeks now. I’ve been burnt out, and depressed.
With that said. I DID want to document this. I’m normal. I’m mentally ill. My Love tells me all the time, “Quit sitting in a dark room, in silence, on your phone all day”. He’s so right, and I need to stop, but I did that for almost 10 years while being sick. It’s a hard habit to break.