I was doing well for a bit, and at first didn’t have time to write here the past week because my schedule was pretty busy. My schedule is still busy, but then I started really going downhill. I started having more episodes, and they have been becoming more severe.
I’m in denial, I think, that I am in relapse because I have been doing so well for so long. These past 2 months have been relapse, and the whole time when I was having mini episodes I was thinking, “Well, what if I relapse?”. Well I already am relapsing. Sure I was having mini episodes before 2 months ago, but it was far and few in between, and they didn’t get severe. Now the episodes are becoming more, and becoming severe. My paranoia is ramping up, my anxiety/panic attacks are very severe, my hallucinations are becoming more and more (which I don’t always have), and I become confused a lot more. My paranoia is something that I have a huge problem with as far as positive symptoms.
One example, I remember sitting on the couch watching the news yesterday and every person’s face and name that passed across the screen, I had sworn I knew them in real life, like outside of the news. I sworn I knew them and they have tried to kill me before in the past. I had vivid memories of them trying to kill me. Then a few minutes later I had no idea what I was watching. I didn’t know what the program was, even though it was still the news. My confusion just kicked in liked that; I became very confused. It wasn’t a memory issue. It became a confusion thing. I can say all that now, but I couldn’t then.
My psychiatrist quit and I am dealing with a new provider. Which has taken me off my anti-depressant. I was really upset. I’ve been on one my whole life until I got to this community clinic. Then I asked a year ago for one because I believed I needed one. Then this new provider took me off because she saw I was only on it for a year. I stopped taking it for a week because of side effects and I went in thinking I was going to be able to change it to something else (because of the side effects). I was just taken off.
I try to write when I have some clarity. I’ve been putting off updating the past three days so I can write with clarity.
I’m really nervous I will fail my courses in college because I am only halfway through. I just started back going to college, so this is not a good thing that is happening.
I’m really not sure how I will get through this.